Its funny how we have these defining life moments and we never know how vitally important they are until they have already passed. I, obviously, have been pregnant. But I have never experienced the joy of sharing my good news with my partner or even myself. I have never cried tears of joys while holding a pregnancy test. All my anticipation has been placed on rooting for a negative result, I’ve never cheered for the other side. So, looking back, I feel like something was stolen from me. I feel like I was robbed blindly of the blissful success in conceiving. But it is no ones fault but my own. When I became pregnant at 21 I felt like the world around me was ending. I was scared, confused, helpless, and overwhelmed with panic, as was Tyler. I did not even know where to start. I was not feeling over joyed, assured, and blessed when I REALLY should of been. (Read my Bicornuate Uterus story as to why). I feel shame in admitting that. Especially because being a mother is something I have always known I wanted. I am ashamed to admit that the memory of lying on my kitchen floor crying so hard, mascara running down my face, my body slung over Tyler hanging on to him because I felt like I would drown in own tears if I let go is burned so deeply into my head. Such an intense feeling of confusion and confliction. My life as I knew it came to a screeching halt at the sight of a of a little pink plus sign. I felt like I was so close to it all. My finger tips were gliding over the life I had created, just barely caressing my so called dream at the time. I JUST turned 21. Tyler had JUST turned 21, 3 days before. We were in an amazing place in our relationship. We JUST, 6 days prior to finding out, signed a lease to our (conveniently two bedroom) apartment located next to several bars. We had plans to travel. I had plans to graduate. Tyler just moved onto his own health insurance. We both just got into good jobs. so why? why? why? Why was this happening to us NOW. Timing, God, the Greater Being, fate. Whatever you want to call it. All the above seemed like negative attributes at the time but now, looking back at what the universe knew when we didn’t, it was perfectly orchestrated. Everything was ready including us, whether we knew it or not. We were given Ella at the exact right moment in our lives. Had I known everything I do now. How much happiness and joy she would bring. How much love came with this little bundle. How she would mold and shape us into the best versions of ourselves. How her laugh would make me melt inside. How watching the man I love become a father would make me fall even more in love with him. How her little body would fit so perfectly cuddled up next to mine. How she would bring us closer to God. Strengthen our relationships with our parents and more importantly ourselves. I would never shed a tear of sadness. We would of screamed and jumped up and down. We would of been the happiest people in the world. If we could of seen a preview, if we could have seen all the good that was to come. Being pregnant at 21 would have felt like being pregnant at 25, 29, 33 or 35. Pregnant is pregnant. A baby is a baby. The age of the mother or father should not dictate the emotions associated with such a blessing. It is all what you make it. So, yes we are young parents. But. We are also AMAZING PARENTS. I am sad we did not celebrate our most blissful surprise. I feel like society and suggested timelines ruined this for us. That we were so thoroughly convinced we had to follow this schedule of “happenings”. We were, still are and will always be exactly where we need to be. I wish I had known that then.
If you are a young mom or a new mom in general, scared, unsure, confused. It will be ok. It will work out. It will be the most amazing adventure of your life. And if you’re still not sold, here’s a preview of what you have to look forward to.
( I do not own the rights to this song. Kane Brown-Heaven, it always makes me think of my family)